Look, Mom, I'm Free

Look, Mom, I'm Free
an excerpt from my book "Mother’s Who Cry In the Night" to be released soon.

I love to watch the mist as it forms above the water on the lake outside my house. The day before, November 8, 1997 at 3:35 PM my only child, my 21-year-old son, Bennett, died after crashing his truck into a tree. He had walked away from over eight accidents without scratch on him – but not this time. He was one of those children whom we now call "Indigo". He didn’t feel like anyone liked him, he stretched every boundary, a wild child. Causing me to reevaluate all of my beliefs by either transforming and growing spiritually or ending up in the loony bin.

In 1996, he had been on an Indian Vision Quest– taking three days in the wilderness to find his animal totem – he discovered it was The Dragonfly. Ever since then it was his trademark – everyone knew him as "The Dragonfly". He had a beautiful blue one tattooed to his chest. I will never forget it. Dragonfly medicine is of the dreamtime and the illusionary façade we accept as physical reality – we call on Dragonfly to guide us through the mists of illusion to the pathway of transformation.

After a long sleepless night, I was sitting in the living room looking out at the lake when the morning mist started to rise. As it took shape, a soft voice said, " Get up! Really look at that mist". I stood up and went to the window to get a better view and noticed this mist was like no other mist I had ever seen on the lake. It was like looking at one of those Magic Eye pictures. Inside the mist shapes started to form. First, I saw angels rising up moving forward, and then all the children Bennett knew who had died started slow dancing, moving their arms in the air, free form luxuriating in their freedom. (He had over 25 friends who had died between 1991-1997 from accidents, drug overdose or suicide) Then soaring above them I could see Bennett! In the mist, he took the form of a dragonfly with his chest arched out and his head back so proud to be leading the way. I could hear him say to me "Look, Mom, I’m Free". I just stared mesmerized by the unfolding scene. Angels kept lifting up as all the spirits continued to flow across the water. Spirit after spirit paraded in front of me, buffalo, men on horseback, and Indians. This lasted for over 30 minutes. They marched the whole length of the lake - I kept blinking my eyes. Several times I even turned away then looked back to test to see if these images would disappear. Was I hallucinating, seeing things? But no, it was so real. My husband, Ed, walked into the room and I grabbed his arm saying: "Look quick, can you see those spirits on the lake?" "Yes", he could see them clearly. It was Bennett's gift to us. He knew we needed to know he was ok, happy and free. He was so proud of himself.

I understand that after we crossover, we have about three days where our spirit continues to come in and out of this earth plane before it goes further into the other dimensions.

Every night during those three days, he would get me up at 4:00 AM with an assignment. That first night it was to read his poetry. In his room, we discovered his journals, which contained over 300 songs, and poems that we never knew about! Two of them "Athens Highway" and "No Doubt" jumped off the page at me. It was obvious they were the ones he wanted read at his memorial service. I also found one named "Conrad" in memory of his friend Katie Conrad who had died in April. She was one of the first spirits I saw coming across the lake that morning. Then, I started to play a tape of his music and listened to it from 4:00 AM on. The words, the guitar, and voice so beautiful so full of talent. His legacy. It started to form in my mind that I HAD to do something with his works. Those beautiful words couldn't just sit in a drawer to be put away forever. Eventually, I had them all published in a book dedicated to him called "The Dragonfly Collection". Lee Carroll who channels "Kryon" honored me by using my story and Bennett’s poem "Conrad" as the last chapter of his book "An Indigo Celebration".

ATHENS HIGHWAY
East of the homestead
Across mountain range
Into the Sunrise
And out of the pain
Whispering wind
Through cracks in my head
Belief in the righteousness
Lying Ahead
Instead of circumstance
Synchronicity reigns
For it's all for the best
No matter the pain
Because of the way
That I have appeared
Out of the flow of
Infinite years
Secured in ever-changing
Faces and thought
Each with its own
And apart it is not
We shall find the peace
We've searched for so long
But know this my friend
I'll take you along

© 1996 Bennett E. Poinsett

NO DOUBT
My hand and pen hold the key
To unlock my cell of captivity
In between some words are lost
But really who can count the cost
Too bad that this is not the same
As laughing madly in the rain
My friends soon shall have me to figure out
But I will leave them with no doubt
Of why I came or disappeared
Or why I have not ever feared
I cannot wait for the white
Of tonight's winged horses in flight
Towards my soul they fly so fast
That no man should let them pass
Despite the voices shouting below
I having no ears or eyes to blindfold
Shall be no threat in aging land
To help that one may understand
My plans I most definitely will carry out
With no complications and no doubt

© 1996 Bennett E. Poinsett

CONRAD
On and On
my love for you
goes on and on
Never dying
No Good-Byeing
Fear lost it's grip
As my mind slips
Into another paradigm
Classified only by light
Another friend in flight
Flying high into the stars
While beads of color trapped in jars
Kill the pain and remain
A constant change of
Pace to replace
Another friend lost in grace

Believe these words
They are the way
I only can express
No way to say
If my wasted mind
Could re-instate itself
No matter no wealth
I only want your kind

There she is, walking through the sun.
In transparent majesty. Life just begun
The eyes of an eagle with a tint of the sky
Infinite love for this creature of light
A friend of the Dragonfly dimensions regroup
A teacher of life has now cut the loop
Gifted with powers of Shamanic extent
Revealing the need for more love to lament

© 1996 Bennett E. Poinsett

The next night, Ed and I were sitting in the living room discussing our life with Bennett. How it had been so painful - he had separated from us so long ago. Always pushing us away, acting like he never wanted to be near us. It seemed I had actually gone through the stages of loss for him over the last 8 years and really his death was the final step of Resolution. Ed talked about how nothing we ever did worked for Bennett and how we had been told to try "Toughlove". But we never could. We looked at each other and instantly realized that Bennett had done "Toughlove" on us. And just as we realized that he was in the room with us. We both felt him as a warm vibration in the room. Our bodies tingled – the hair was standing up all over my body. Such a palatable feeling of someone else in the room. Right next to us, it was a feeling that was so strong it just couldn’t be denied. I looked at my husband and said, "Do you feel that?" as he nodded "Yes". Bennett was right there – in my mind I could hear him say: "You got it! I loved you so much that I protected you from getting too close. If we had been, you would have been devastated by my death. I had prepared you step by step. Each time I pushed you away and distanced you more, it was the ultimate gift of love". What a beautiful revelation and it made complete sense.

Another one of the assignments was to go and talk to the woman at the Circle K convenience store. She had tried to stop him from driving that night because he had too much to drink. He wanted me to tell her that she had done the right thing. That no one had ever stopped him from doing something he wanted to do and that there was no way she could have stopped him. I drove over to the Circle K, hugged her and talked with her for about 30 minutes. She felt very sad about what had happened, but she said that her father had a stroke that same week. If she had not had the experience with Bennett, she felt she wouldn't have had the strength to say some things to her father that she needed to say.

I really didn’t want to go to the scene of the accident. But again he gave me an assignment to heal the trees. He felt very sad that his truck had hit them so hard. I went to the scene and thanked the trees. Blessed them and buried a beautiful rose quartz pendant there for love. Bennett had a special yellow journal where he wrote many songs and poems, it never left his side. However, no one could find it after the accident. I looked for again all over the riverbank and down into the water. Many people were searching for it, but it has never been found. Many people think he took it with him.

His Indian friend, Tom, whom he had done the vision quest with, had been in Japan. He returned home early Saturday to hear the news. He said on the plane at about 3:30 he felt someone die he hadn’t realized it was Bennett. Tom was very shaken. He immediately wanted to officiate the memorial service, so we selected Saturday, November 15. The location was a beautiful spot way up in the North Georgia Mountains – a long drive for his friends. However, people started to call - more and more were coming maybe 150-200 people. For a boy who didn't think anyone liked him! People called to tell me how much they loved him. The good things he had done for them. We never saw or heard any of that during his life. He never shared anything with us. Just a glimpse here and there. Again, pushing us away to protect us. The ceremony was beautiful. Tom "Bluewolf" Goodman and John Winterhawk burned incense and wore beautiful costumes as they officiated an original Native American memorial service. Bennett’s ashes were put into the river that flows all the way from Georgia down to the Gulf of Mexico. There were so many kids we had to ask the adults to stay home. They had never seen a ceremony like it. Yet, I looked at those kids, with all their problems… they are making it, getting their sh** together. Why couldn't my son.?? Why did it have to be like this?????. Then I saw Mikey, a boy who was with him in college when he was expelled and the boy who never came back to Atlanta with the money so they could get an apartment together . Mikey cried and cried and said how he had really done a horrible thing to Bennett when he didn’t return to Atlanta. He was so distraught. . I went over to him and put my hand on his heart. I looked deep into his eyes and told him that I felt the true message was to look at your pain - have the courage change it - in memory of Bennett. I told him he was forgiven and gave him a big hug as he continued to sob.

I understand that Bennett looked down at the ceremony and was overwhelmed. I said to him, "Here we are with 250 people who you think didn't like you. What do I do with all these people?"

As we have moved through the three days for his soul to visit. Our time, our clock almost stood still literally. He was really stretching time. People called to tell me they have felt him - he had so many to visit. I could feel him with me patting my hair - just pouring out the love he couldn't show me in life. It was precious. It brings me to tears every time I think that he had 3 –4 days to come in and out of this dimension before he left during the first week of his death. And, to think he spent one whole night and day with me – just me. On the third night, I woke up about 4 am (as usual) and my hands were burning like hot coals. Immediately, instinctively I knew that he had been holding them. Then I felt a tingling all over my face and neck and a patting motion on my head. He was here as if to say, "Mom, I’m here, I’m sorry. Let me show you how much I loved you". Later that day I was scheduled to have a massage. The masseuse was a good friend, she said, "Whoa, what is going on with your hands?" I told her that Bennett had been holding them all night. She said she couldn’t believe the energy that was coming from them. On the way home, I could hardly drive the car because he was patting my face and head. I kept talking to him like he was here and said, "I know how hard it must have been for you to pretend you didn’t love me – to turn me away, to protect me so that when you died, I would be ready for the loss – for the feeling of rejection. It’s like death is the ultimate rejection". It was that "Toughlove" idea that Ed and I had come to realize the night after his death. He showed us "Toughlove" – he kept turning us away as the ultimate gift of love. He gave up some of his allotted time to show his love for me. It brings me to tears whenever I think of it. It washes over me like a wave of emotion so deep; I can’t put a name to it. "If only" we could have had that joy in life. I would pace the floor thinking of the "what if’s, the "if only’s", "what else could I have done for him" – he would match me step for step saying not once but hundreds of times: "Mom, it’s just the way it had to be". Those words have brought me so much peace.

The more I talk to people and tell them these things I feel myself getting stronger and stronger. Lighter and Lighter - a natural high. I used to tell Bennett he could get high just meditating and he would tell me I needed to try drugs instead. We had a running dialogue neither of us giving in. Now he knows what I meant - he has the ultimate high now. The one he was always trying to get with alcohol and drugs. Now it is permanent.

People tell me our attitudes and beliefs have helped them understand death so much better. I feel that this whole experience it some kind of new beginning - the birth of a new awareness for people who need to hear the story. I tell them that I would never been at this place of understanding if I hadn't first gone through the pain and agony. Many nights of utter desolation about how to help my son. Crying, crying, crying. And finally coming to God. That's it - only God. That is the choice. I was lifted up and given strength in LOVE - unconditional love. During the last year of his life, I instinctively knew that all I could give Bennett was unconditional love. No matter what he had done - when I would see him. I gave him a hug and told him how much I loved him. Even if he was a nasty SOB - I would watch him walk away and I would silently send waves of love to him. I never said, "Where have you been? Why didn't you call? ------etc etc." It was love, love, love. That was all I had left. I had been stripped down to the bare essence of love. Getting out of myself knowing I didn't know the "big picture" and the little "I" of me certainly couldn’t pretend to know what to do. And from that a knowing and strength built up that became my being. When I first felt his death I was weakened and sad. Then, as I talked to people I have been able to pull back to the place of strength. It feels like a certainty, a knowing that what we have experienced and the beliefs I have come to are the truth. If I didn't have my spirituality and these beliefs I don't know where I would be. That was another gift to me from Bennett - I was taken to my knees to choose love or fear. I have this light, this strength because of Bennett and our experiences. All I can say is "Thank you, son".

Blessing...
Betsie 

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