Truth or Blame

Truth or Blame

About the Column:
This column is dedicated to facilitating resolution to conflicts – spiritual growth through adversity.  Conflict can be transformed into success by following your path of Integrity. Blame of oneself or others is a distraction to Integrity.  Integrity is the unwavering path to success.  

If you would like Constance to answer your question through this publication please send your inquiry to lovinglawsuits@cs.com  

This column is not intended to provide legal advice, consultation or representation to the reader; nor, is it intended to provide psychological or any other form of counseling.  This publication reaches readers throughout the world and Constance d’Angelis is not licensed to practice law (except in one U.S. state) nor is she licensed to provide psychological counseling.  Constance is not accepting legal clients and will only provide “integrity coaching” upon agreement.  The reader is advised to seek competent legal and/or psychological representation in the jurisdiction where he or she is located.  Taking responsibility for personal challenges is an important concept in resolving conflict.  Accordingly, by reading this column the reader is also agreeing that he/she has the ability to accept such personal responsibility and, further, agrees to be fully and wholly responsible for use of this column.  Neither Constance d’Angelis nor Pathways Within is responsible or liable for the readers’ use of this column.  The reader accepts full responsibility for his/her use of this column and resolution of his/her conflicts.  

Question:
Dear Constance,

My father is 83 years old and having serious medical problems. My mom and dad want me to come to live with them in Arizona to care for my father. I am an RN and assist people using alternative, holistic, medical techniques. I am involved in a committed relationship, living in a beautiful mountain setting in North Carolina. When I go home my father treats me harshly by chastising me, finding fault and generally being "mean". I feel like a child and I fall into obedient and dutiful behavior. I had asthma as a child and sometimes I’m afraid I’ll suffer an attack when I get stressed out, but, so far that hasn’t happened. I know that if I tell them that I won’t come home they will treat me more severely and I could lose my inheritance. They have already threatened to cut me out of their Will. A month ago, I had a flare-up of very painful diverticulitis. I’m unable to eat solid food. My parents have backed off pushing me to come to Arizona because I’m quite ill and, going in for tests. The doctor thinks that because I’ve had surgery in the past, I might have adhesions, and he is concerned about a colon tumor so I’m having a CAT scan next week. Emotionally, I feel stuck. I want to help, but I can’t. Do you have any suggestions for me? 

BC, 
Asheville, NC

Reply:
Dear BC,

Thank you very much for your question, as it is pertinent for many of our readers. You are in a situation similar to a lot of "baby boomers", with respect to providing care for aging and ailing parents.

The fact that you are reading PathwaysWithin.com is a good indication that you have a spiritual basis in your life. Also, you have chosen to provide others with holistic care and to provide yourself with a "beautiful mountain setting" and a "committed relationship". It is courageous to move away from a harsh environment and create a lush and supportive atmosphere for yourself.

As a spiritual being having a human experience, you recognize the importance of self-responsibility. I’m sure you know that self-responsibility is not blame. Blame is a distracting emotion that will keep you from seeing how powerful you are in creating your life. On the other hand, self-responsibility will allow you to approach your life with integrity and authenticity. Remember, each of us is responsible for both the good and no-so-good parts of our life. And, each not-so-good part is a doorway to a great opportunity for growth, happiness and success.

The lingering effect of childhood abuse:

It appears that your father did not recently begin his abuse and that he has been "harsh" and "mean" from the time you were a child. The fact that you (1) look to your parents’ home as your home; (2) revert to patterns of childhood obedience; and (3) continue to be emotionally abused by your father indicates that your feeling of being "stuck" has to do with taking full charge of yourself and releasing your dependency on your parents. You have clearly defined what you must fashion for your life. You must "grow up". You are perfectly competent to control your own existence.

In addition, it seems that you want something from your parents, your inheritance. I suggest you answer the following questions honestly:

1. Do your parents avoid severely mistreating you if you are ill?
2. As a child, did you feel a retreat from parental abuse when you had your asthma attacks?
3. Do you believe that your parents will let you off the hook if you are sick?
4. Do you expect a "quid pro quo" (something in return - payback) for your suffering at the hands of your parents?
5. Would you be willing to live a painful existence for the possibility of getting money from your parents in the future?
6. Do you think you could have another undisclosed (ulterior) motive for your dutiful, obedient child behavior?
7. Are you afraid you might not be able to provide for yourself?

If you have answered "yes" to any of these questions, you are being distracted from your own integrity and authenticity. It is important for you to be honest with yourself and accept responsibility for your experiences (stay in your integrity). Remember, responsibility isn’t blame or judgment. When you face the truth, you can take charge and effect change in your life according to your own terms.

My sense is that you are very empathic, giving and sensitive. You might even find yourself picking up intuitive or psychic readings from others, especially the patients you serve; and your loved ones, including your parents. The combination of having a sensitive, empathic nature and being abused as a child requires great courage on your part to (1) shed the past; (2) experience power in the present; and (3) create a bright future.

An opportunity for Healing :

I receive countless letters from people who have been victims of childhood abuse. Many are healed, or are in the process of healing. Although it is not easy, you can run your life on your own terms, often without antagonizing your parents. The place to begin is in your own consciousness.

Remember: "…Work in the invisible world at least as hard as you do in the visible. …" – Rumi (from The Prophets)

I suggest the following Release and Attraction Affirmation*:

I now peacefully, joyfully and lovingly release all persons, places and things, in all dimensions, that are no longer a part of the Divine Plan for my life. And, they peacefully, joyfully, and lovingly release me.  I now peacefully, joyfully and lovingly draw to me all persons, places and things, in all dimensions, that are no longer a part of the Divine Plan for my life. And they peacefully, joyfully, and lovingly draw me to them
And, so it is.

Remember: Conflict is a door of opportunity to personal and spiritual growth. A win/win situation is conceivable and possible. It all begins with YOU.

YOU can do it!

With great love and respect...  
Constance 

*article provided by Constance d'Angelis and reprinted with permission from "Zolar" – Don Papon.

(C) Constance d'Angelis. - All Rights Reserved